I pride myself on making kids scream. That’s my thing. Every Halloween, I turn my garage into a chamber of psychological warfare, complete with fog, lights, eerie soundscapes, and strategically timed jump scares. I spend weeks fine-tuning it, because nothing brings me greater joy than the sound of a child realizing they’ve made a terrible mistake by stepping inside. And this year? Creepy clowns. It was gonna be a slam dunk.
Usually, this November essay is my annual Scream Reel edition, where I show you a highlight video of the best screams from Halloween night. But this year the camera failed. Completely. No sound. Terrible video.
Major disappointment.
So instead of the reel, all I have is the memory of what should have been an Oscar-worthy performance in terror.
It was still a decent night. About 250 brave souls actually crossed the threshold into the garage (a much higher number including parents). But honestly? A little lower than I’d expected. The parents, as always, were generous with their praise. Lots of “Best house ever!” and “We come here every year!” Which I love, because it’s validation that I’m doing something deeply disturbing yet family-friendly.
But I kept thinking, why fewer this year? The answer came as we checked on the driveway camera.
Over the course of the night, at least fifty kids gathered at the base of my driveway, forming little clusters of debate teams. You could see them gesturing, pointing, arguing about whether it was worth it. Some even laid down flat on the driveway to peek under the creepy-clown tapestries I hang in front of the garage door, trying to see what horrors waited inside. A few of them would inch forward, get within arm’s reach of the entrance, and then bolt back to safety like they’d just seen Pennywise in the flesh.
So, yeah, there was a lot of attrition.
And my favorite group? The dozen or so kids who actually entered the garage—like, they were right there, inside, but couldn’t bring themselves to approach the door for candy. They just stood in the fog, looked around, and quietly left, like, Nope. Not today, Satan.
Best line of the night: Little girl, maybe seven, dressed as a princess. Made it all the way to the door, held out her bag of candy for me, and said with a deadpan stare, “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My deepest apologies, no Scream Reel this year. Just the ghosts of screams that should’ve been captured. The ones that got away. And next year, I’ll be running a full AV check before the first kid sets foot in the driveway, because I will not let another October 31 go undocumented.
I live for the screams.
And next Halloween, I’m coming for every single one of them.
New episodes of my podcast Making It Up are out! Over the past month, I chatted with:
Episode 203: Andrea Bartz – New York Times bestselling author and journalist whose thrillers We Were Never Here and The Last Ferry Out have both earned major acclaim (and a Netflix option). Andrea and I talked about thinking like a businessperson in publishing, separating your emotions from feedback, and the art of staying grateful to readers even when the grind gets tough. We wrapped up with a sharp, surprising story inspired by a line from Victoria Houson’s At the Edge of the Woods.
Episode 202: Scott Graham – Author of the nine-book National Park Mystery Series and five nonfiction titles, including Extreme Kids, winner of the National Outdoor Book Award. Scott and I discussed staying relevant between releases, improving your writing by reading others’, and how to balance the grimness of murder with a hopeful tone. We closed by creating an unpredictable story using a line from Matt Goldman’s The Murder Show.
Episode 201: Lindy Ryan – Award-winning author, anthologist, and film director who founded Black Spot Books to amplify women’s voices in horror. Lindy and I bonded over our shared love of Halloween, the strange joy of writing darkness, and why horror and romance both hinge on hope. We ended with a quick, eerie story using a line from Gillian Flynn’s Sharp Objects.
Episode 200: Jeffrey Konvitz – Author of the New York Times bestseller The Sentinel and its sequel The Guardian. Jeffrey and I talked about rewriting your life midstream, his years in Hollywood, and how he finally launched his own publishing company to bring his long-shelved project to life. We finished with a supernatural twist inspired by a line from Greg Iles’s True Evil.
All episodes are available on my website, my YouTube channel, and wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
This was fun! I got to be the featured subject of the new show The Book Club with Kim, which will air on Rocky Mountain PBS in January.
REVIEWS
On the Page
The Wide Wide Sea: Imperial Ambition, First Contact and the Fateful Final Voyage of Captain James Cook, Hampton Sides
First, how do you not love the author name “Hampton Sides”? This sounds like a guy who knows exactly the right type of deck shoes to wear based on yacht size. And he’s a brilliant writer!
I’m back in non-fiction territory, where I spend a lot of my reading time. I’ve always had a soft spot for books about miserable sea voyages, and this book takes you aboard Captain James Cook’s final voyage, from England through the Pacific, Alaska, Hawaii, and back, and it pulls no punches about the misery and the magnificence of it all.
Sides balances the awe-inspiring exploration with the brutal realities of eighteenth-century sea travel (rats, scurvy, you name it). And he doesn’t let us off easy regarding imperialism and first contact: the narrative shows how Cook and his men weren’t just adventurers, they were agents of a larger system that shook entire cultures.
Sides humanizes Cook but also makes you feel the weight of the catastrophe his voyage helped set in motion. No one is a hero here. If you love history, sea misery, moral ambiguity, and a non-fiction storyteller who knows how to write propulsively, this book’s for you.
On the Screen
Devil in Disguise: John Wayne Gacy(Peacock 2025)
(A quick note: Peacock has two shows on this subject with nearly the same name . One is a limited-series documentary, the other is a limited-series based on true events. This refers to the latter).
I’m halfway in watching Devil in Disguise: John Wayne Gacy and am enjoying it. Yes, I said enjoying a series about one of the most prolific serial killers in history. What’s great is how the show stays true to the historical record and builds real horror without slipping into gratuitous gore. It doesn’t glorify the monster. It reminds you how terrifying the mundane can be.
The actor playing Gacy (Michael Chernus, Severance, Patriot) nails the mix of horror and normalcy. He’s chilling in that quiet, suburban-sharp kind of way. Meanwhile each episode leans into the life of a specific victim and the ripple effect of the crimes, rather than just solely focusing on the killer. That choice alone lifts it above most serial-killer dramas.
If you’re into dark, true-crime storytelling that gives the victims their due and doesn’t rely on shock for shock’s sake, you should check this out.
Photo of the Month
My brand-new little library I built, featuring only mysteries and thrillers (and shout out to @onceuponacrimebooks – the name is a tribute!). Painted to match my house and adorned with metal Lock, Shock, and Barrel characters.
Update from my Kids
When you’ve completely run out of Halloween costume ideas in college, you go as a goddamn carrot.
Update from my Pets
Pumpkin pup.
Humor of the Month sent to me by a friend
That’s it for now!
Just a reminder to subscribe to my newsletter for more content and access to contests and giveaways. Oh, and if you follow me on social media you’ll see a lot more pictures of my goddamn pets. Until next month…
