So I’m interviewing Kyle Prue at an event later this month, and he’s written a book called How To Piss off Men. It’s a collection of a bunch of one-liners you can use to upset your special guy. Made me start thinking, what pisses me off? Not too much, unless I’m driving, in which case everyone and everything makes me homicidal. But in all other parts of life? I’m pretty chill.
But there are things you can say to a writer to piss them off, or at least annoy them. The writer won’t show their true feelings, because most of us just want to be liked. But things can really get under our skin, and here’s an incomplete guide of things to say to a writer to piss them off. Help yourself.
You say:
“You’re a writer? That’s cool. Have you written anything I would have read?”
I say:
“Probably not.”
I want to say:
“We just met. How the fuck do I know what you’ve read?”
____________________________________________________________________________
You say:
“Wow, I wish I had time to write.”
I say:
“Yeah.”
I want to say:
“It’s not racquetball, dude. It’s my goddamn job.”
____________________________________________________________________________
You say:
“I’d love to read your book, but I get scared too easily.”
I say:
“Ha, not as scary as the news!”
I want to say:
“I don’t give a shit if you read it. Just buy it. In fact, buy a dozen copies and shove them into little libraries around town. Freak out your neighbors.”
____________________________________________________________________________
You say:
“Hey, I read your book. It was a light and easy read, finished it in a weekend at the beach.”
I say:
“Thanks for reading!”
I want to say:
“Light and easy read? Motherfucker, that took me a year to write and I broke down in tears during the ending.”
____________________________________________________________________________
You say:
“I’m guessing AI is really allowing you to write books faster now. Must be a huge help.”
I say:
“I don’t use AI to write, but I can see how it could be a good research tool.”
I want to say:
“Do you let your dog close your real-estate deals? I didn’t think so. Jesus Christ.”
____________________________________________________________________________
You say:
“What’s your favorite book you’ve written?”
I say:
“Oh, you know, it’s too hard to decide. It’s like choosing your favorite child.”
I want to say:
“I hate them all.”
____________________________________________________________________________
You say:
“I have a great idea for a book, but I don’t want to write it. Maybe you could write it? But I don’t want to tell you about it unless you’re in. No offense or anything, but it’s a really good idea.”
I say:
“I’m sorry, I have so much writing I’m already working on. But you should write it! Tell me your idea so I can help you refine it.”
I want to say:
“You really think I’m going to steal your idea about a ghost cat who helps a real cat find his way back to his owner?”
____________________________________________________________________________
You say:
“I have a thirteen-year-old who’s written a serial-killer novel. It’s so unique, it’s actually a scratch-and-sniff book. Can you spend a few weeks with him helping him edit it, and then maybe your agent can take a look?”
I say:
“Sorry, I’m traveling for the next nine months.”
I want to say:
“I’m absolutely stealing that idea.”
New episodes of Making It Up are out! Over the past month I chatted with:
- Erica Wright, poet and novelist
- Kendra Elliot and Melinda Leigh, bestselling co-authors
- Lori Roy, award-winning novelist
- John DeDakis, award-winning novelist and a former editor on CNN’s “The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer”
All episodes are available on my website, my YouTube channel, and wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
| As far as I know, these are the places I’m supposed to be where you can meet me and stuff. Check my event calendar for the latest updates. |
| September 28, 2024 6PM In-conversation event with TikTok personality Kyle Prue Tattered Cover Colfax Denver, Colorado October 17-19, 2024 Unbound Writer Coaching Program & Retreat Leader Boulder, CO Registration now open! |
What’s Entertaining Me
On the Page
You Like It Darker (Short stories, Stephen King, 2024)
I’ve been reading a lot of fiction this year, some for pleasure, but mostly for work stuff. So when I see that a new Stephen King book is out, it’s a goddamn treat. Now I will admit I’ve only read the first two in this collection of short stories so far, but these are the kinds of tales that make you want to go to bed at 8pm just so you have extra reading time before sleep. Like the title implies, these stories are indeed dark.
When I’m asked who some of my favorite writers are, I always say Stephen King. I hate answering that way because it seems so hack, but it’s the truth. Since reading It and Pet Sematary as a young teen, I’ve been hooked. If you’re a fan like me, don’t skip this book.
Oh, and it took me a while to figure out that’s an alligator on the cover.
On the Screen
Monsieur Spade, (AMC, 2024)
I watch a lot of TV, so I always have to decide which show to cover in my newsletter. This month I decided to choose Monsieur Spade, even though (like the Stephen King book) I haven’t finished it yet. From the producer: “Twenty years after the events of the novel “THE MALTESE FALCON”, Sam Spade has retired in the small town of Bozouls in the South of France. It’s 1963, the war has ended, and in a very short time, so, too, will Spade’s tranquility.”
I very much like this show, even though it’s confusing as hell. It’s gorgeous, gritty, and full of clever, rapid one-liners you would expect from private dick Sam Spade. Moreover, not only is Clive Owen a fantastic actor, they’ve made him look hauntingly like Bogart.
The downside (for me) is there are MANY characters and very little explanation of everyone’s relationship to one another. I’d rather be confused than patronized by a TV show, but I admit this one can be trying. Good thing I have Jessica to turn and seek explanations, even though she’s pretty lost as well. But we’ll keep watching, because it’s a quality show that deserves our attention. It deserves yours, too. Check it out.
Favorite dialogue exchange so far:
Spade: “You need to leave town.”
Villain: “Where do you want me to go?”
Spade: “I hear Norway needs some more assholes.”
Photo of the Month
My son and I drove from Colorado to Louisiana in August to drop him off at college. This was our view heading into a very stormy northern Texas.
Update from my Kids
Oh, did I mention we took the dog on the 19-hour road trip? Here’s Scully and Sawyer saying goodbye before she and I started heading back to Colorado.
Update from my Pets
And what road trip would be complete without several stops at Starbucks along the way for pup cups?
Humor of the Month sent to me by a friend
“How much for this stolen shit over here?”
Writing Retreats, Personal Coaching, & Online Writing Courses
Unbound Writer 2024 retreat – book now! There’s one in-person coaching program and writing retreat left this year. Come spend 2.5-days in Boulder, Colorado finding community, inspiration, motivation, and confidence in your writing.
October 17-19
All details and testimonials can be found here. Scholarships available. No more excuses, no more idle dreaming. Time to make your writing dreams happen.
I’m so happy to announce the first self-guided, online writing courses are now available!
At Unbound Writer, we’re so excited to help writers become authors.
That’s it for now!
Just a reminder to subscribe to my newsletter for more content and access to contests and giveaways. Oh, and if you follow me on social media you’ll see a lot more pictures of my goddamn pets. Until next month…
me on social media you’ll see a lot more pictures of my goddamn pets. Until next month…
