|Hey. It’s Guff here. Yeah, you know. The cat of the family. I’m taking over the blog post this month because Carter is too busy.|
Too busy, you ask? What could he possibly be too busy with that would make him delegate the task of writing his monthly blog post to his goddamn cat?
Well, I’ll tell you.
HE GOT A FUCKING DOG
Are you kidding me? It’s been five years since the last time a dog has been living in this house (and yeah, you keep believing that dog died of “old age”). Five glorious years of being the center of attention. And then, last Saturday, he brings this abomination into the house and tells me it’s staying. And right before Christmas! Suffice it to say, I’ve been solidly drunk for the past three days.
Okay, you ready to see this thing? Here we go…
|Just look at it. That smug expression. That needy little fucking face. And you should hear it. The yipping is like a buzzsaw through my skull. Plus, it’s already peed SEVERAL TIMES in the house. Goddamn philistine.|
And everyone is just in awe of this thing. Seriously, if Santa came into this house with a bag filled with cash and Ferrero Rochers he wouldn’t get as much attention as this chump does.
And the name…Scully? What is that? Apparently it’s from some TV show called The X-Files. Jesus Christ, gimme a break. So dumb. Not like Guff. Guff is a solid name.
So, anyway, that’s where things are at here. While I’m planning an exit strategy for either myself or this brainless chunk of fur, I’ve been asked to do the newsletter this month. OH, OKAY, I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.
Well, here we go. Happy holidays or whatever.
|“I didn’t read this but I’m so blinded by rage I’m just going to go ahead and say it sucks. Sucks real bad.”|
—Guff on The New Neighbor
|Making It Up|
Carter said to tell you newly added episodes of his conversation series Making It Up are out.
This month Carter chatted with bestselling thriller writer Jeffery Wilson (TIER ONE series) and Barbara Nickless, the #1 Amazon Charts and Wall Street Journal bestselling author of the Sydney Parnell police procedural series.
I gotta say this. When Carter records these episodes not only does he lock me out of the room, but he actually puts up soundproofing so he can’t hear me screaming at him. What if I started choking on a ham bone? Or was being attacked by a hawk that managed to get in the house?
He doesn’t care. He just doesn’t care.
Anyway, all episodes are available on Carter’s website, his YouTube channel, and wherever you get your favorite podcasts. Whatever.
Look at him laughing. I could have been actively being abducted at that very moment and he wouldn’t have heard.
|Making It Up Highlight Clip!|
No, sorry, I’m done being a shill for his dumb little show. I’ll give you another video instead. Here I am with a mattress falling on top of me. I think he wanted this to happen (click to play).
|What I’m Watching|
God, I’m dumb. Carter turned on a screensaver on his TV and it had a couple digital butterflies flitting around, and I fell for it. I swear I’m going to start putting arsenic in his vodka gimlets.
|What I’m Reading|
I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats by Francesco Marciuliano (Chronicle Books, 2012)
My favorite poem in this collection is called “Nudge.”
Nudge. Nudge. Nudge.
Nudge. Nudge. Nudge. Nudge. Nudge.
Your glass just shattered on the floor.
I just did that to a Christmas ornament. Made an unholy mess. It was awesome.
|Photo of the Month|
I was scrolling through Carter’s phone (WHY WOULD HE LET ME) and found this beauty. Yeah, that’s a fake fish toy. Shut up, I like it.
|Update from My Human and His Kids|
So the Girl came home for Thanksgiving (where did she go, by the way?) along with Carter’s sister and her family. Everyone was happy and reunited. Apparently Thanksgiving dinner was amazing. I wouldn’t know. I ate the same shit I’ve had for the past nine years.
|Humor of the Month sent by Carter’s friend|
I don’t know why but I can’t stop watching this.
|Book-Love Instagram Post of the Month |
Oh my god, what? Carter has a section of his newsletter where he showcases people who love his books? Gross.
|I guess that’s it. All right, then. I’m going back to bed.|